Update.....barely

(Submitted by Kristen Baumgarten 4/27 and used with her permission. Josh starts radiation and chemotherapy today in Salt Lake City. Let's all remember them in our prayers.)

I know that a post is long overdue. It is just that every time I get started I have to stop because all of the emotion that I can safely tuck away comes flooding to the surface. There is so much that I can write to just get out of my system, but I am afraid to let it out. I am afraid that I won't be able to keep it together to function as a wife and mother or to just be able to make it from one minute to the next.

That being said, we did go to Salt Lake last week for appointments. Marathon appointments is what they should call them. They line up several people to talk to you and you end up being there for hours. Tuesday was long. Wednesday was longer. In a nutshell, they all wanted to make sure that we understood the diagnosis (glioblastoma multiforme) and what to expect. Treatment starts this Wednesday, April 28.

There was a lot of information, a lot to absorb, and in the end we realize that it doesn't really matter what experiences other patients have had. Yes, their diagnosis might be the same, but the Lord's plan for them is not.

Josh (who of course has much more faith than I) told me that he decided on the night we found out he had a brain tumor (before we knew it was cancer) that he had to put is full faith in the Lord. He decided to have faith that if it was the Lord's will to sustain his life, then it would be sustained.

He told me that was all that mattered and that it was our job to open our eyes to the big picture, to maintain an eternal perspective. We have to take comfort and hope in the fact that the Lord is in charge and is capable of making miracles happen.

So, then in the middle of the night when he tells me that his arm, leg, and face are numb I have to remind myself that overall, Josh isn't scared. I have to remind myself that everything will be ok. I have to turn my thoughts to the outpouring of love and support that we have been shown. I have to immediately say a prayer of gratitude for the goodness inside everyone around us. So many people who have made miracles happen. People who have given time, talents, resources, hearts and minds in our behalf. So much to be thankful for. So much to make me realize that I don't have the luxury of dwelling in the flood of fear. There are evidences all around us, through all of you, that the Lord is aware of us and of our needs. He sends those around us to share their love, to wrap their arms around us and remind us (or me) to put our faith in God.

So again, thank you for everything that is being done and for the constant reminder, which I have sincerely needed.