I (Kristen Baumgarten) updated our personal blog again, and decided that I would copy and past to this blog as well. There may be suggestions that I don't want to miss out on!
A new worry has plagued my mind. Well, not just one... I am also worried about GBM in the spine (once again, too much googling) but there is just one that I seriously need to address. My boys.
They are smart. They know what is going on. They understand that their dad is sick and that he has a tumor. They know that he goes to Salt Lake for medicine. They also know that sometimes people die. Ever since Josh had his first seizure (yes, he has had another since my last post) the boys keep making comments and asking questions about if their dad is dying or going to die.
How do you answer that? I have told them that he is going to be okay, but I know that isn't good enough because all three of them keep commenting. For example:
- Kimball was emotional tonight. He was worried that his dad would keep having seizures and that he would die before we could go on vacation. He said, "He is our very first dad, and we don't want another dad."
- On the day Josh had his second seizure (last Tuesday) McKay asked, "Is Dad going to die because Heavenly Father needs him like he needed Josh Graham?" (Josh Graham was a friend, our bishop, and my boss. We all loved Josh and miss him)
- Friday after I drove Josh to work, Benson must have forgotten that we had taken Daddy to work because he was looking for him and said, "Where's Dad? Did he die?"
The truth is Josh and I both have decided that we must accept whatever the Lord's will and understand that in doing so, we will be able to find the peace and strength we need to be able to endure. Josh is better than me. I just want answers. I don't like feeling like things are up in the air. However, I KNOW that I have felt the quiet peace that comes from knowing the Lord is in charge and no matter the outcome everything will be alright.
As adults, with a life of experiences, we still struggle to understand that this life is given to us, and that we need to be okay with just letting go. So, how do you explain that to little boys? They are smart, yes. They have felt the Spirit. I know they have. I have been privileged to witness their sweet experiences. But they are still little boys. I wish that I could protect them from the harsh reality that we are facing. There are no concrete answers that we can give them. No absolutes in one direction or the other. Just that we are doing everything we can, but that ultimately it is up to Heavenly Father. Ultimately, Heavenly Father knows how their dad can best help these boys grow into righteous, stalwart, honorable men (which is something we pray for daily). Heavenly Father can work mighty miracles. He can see the big picture, and we are given so little and must extend our faith. It seems like such a hard lesson, a burden really, that doesn't seem fair to place on little boys.
So tonight, I am contemplating the best way to be honest and fair but to somehow protect them. We have plans to discuss it for Family Home Evening. I guess I have about 16-17 hours to figure out what the Lord would have me teach them.
When I was in seminary, I had an awesome teacher. Brother Kunz wrote lots of songs and used them in his lesson plans. The songs he wrote all had stories behind them. The one going through my head tonight was about a family who had a son injured in a terrible car accident. To the best of my memory (which may not be so great, given that it is nearly 2 am), the lyrics go something like this:
Help Me to Believe
As I kneel beside his bed, I think about the blessing on his head.
They were the words my Father gave to me. Help me to believe.
I know he hears and answers prayers, when we call him he is always there.
He promised miracles would never cease. Help me to believe.
And help me to put my trust in Thee. Hear my plea, please comfort me.
And help me see-- Miracles never cease. Help me to believe.
As I see him sitting there, I know his life is in our Father's care.
In his eyes I see his faith is complete. Help me to believe.
If I knelt at Jesus feet, He could heal my son so easily.
But I know his power works through me. Help me to believe.
And help me to put my trust in Thee. Hear my plea, please comfort me.
And help me see-- Miracles never cease. Help me to believe.
SIDENOTE: Hmm... I can't remember the rest. I tried to google it to see if I could find the lyrics. (I am getting really good at googling these days.) I just found out that he is teaching at BYU-Idaho. That's awesome. It sounds like his students enjoy his style of teaching as much as I did. One of the quickest ways to invite the spirit is through music, and he did that so often in our seminary classes. Anyway, that song is from his CD, I Believe.
Tonight, I feel like I am praying and pleading with the Lord to help me put my trust where it belongs: with Him. I am praying for comfort and faith. I am praying for the strength I need to be able to share it with my boys. I want to help them have faith, not fear. I am praying for the enabling power of the atonement to help me do something that I would not be able to do if left to my own means.
12 comments:
Kristen, I mean it when I say "bless your heart." My sister died when she was two years old and I always remember how open my mother was about death. She would speak often of her being in the spirit world, she would talk about death as really a part of our existence in a matter-of-fact way (both her parents had died and she spoke of them often). She would talk about being with each other again and how wonderful it would be.She explained to us how they had died, without details,and how the body and spirit are separated for a time, only temporarily. I never feared death because I always knew and understood what the spirit world was. A place all around us where our loved ones dwell. We can't see them because their bodies are separated for a short time from their spirits and our human eyes can't see spirits. She was very open and would answere any question we asked with a real faith. If she didn't know the answer she would simply say, I don't know. She would teach us what the scriptures teach of death and the world of spirits.It actually always seemed like a wonderful place to me. I wasn't afraid of the unknown because she wasn't. I trusted my mother more than any other person and knew that if she said it was true, it must be. You are like her in your faith. Your children will be okay because they have you as their mother. They are very blessed for that. Josh is a kind, faithful, loving father and husband. I believe that whatever happens, the Lord is in it. When my Dad died,and I understand it isn't the same thing as losing your young husband with small children, I never for a minute wondered where he was because I had been taught so often as a child. It seemed very natural to me. I know he is serving as a missionary, his greatest desire, to loved ones and others. He is busy still serving the Lord, but I also KNOW that he watches over us in an active way, if that makes sense. Our love and desire to protect our loved ones doesn't leave us I'm sure. We pray for you and Josh and your sweet family. We are here for support in whatever way you need us. I know the Gospel of Jesus Christ is real and that He has broken the bands of death. Separation from loved ones will come at some point in our lives and it is such a blessingto know that it is only temporary. Please know that we love you and find comfort in our prayers for you. One more thing, Kristen, you live by the spirit. Don't worry about saying just the right thing. You will be guided in everything you say. Just say what comes to your mind and know that from your mouth to their little ears and hearts, the spirit is giving them guidance and understanding. I really believe that. Love,Aunt Wendy
Dear Kristen, I think we mother's think we have to say things just the right way to help our children. In reality, I believe that because they are so innocent, with a little reassurance, they have a far greater understanding than we realize. My sister died when she was two and my mother was wonderful at talking about her, including her and speaking of her death in almost a matter-of-fact way.It was just a part of the this earth life really. Death seemed very natural to me because my mother would talk about her as still living, but in the spirit world. I understood from such a tiny age, that she was no longer in her body, but that was only temporary. We would see her again and be together. In the meantime, she was with our grandparents and loved ones we weren't able to see with our human eyes. I was never afraid, because my mother wasn't afraid. She had implicit faith and I never doubted, because she didn't. I remember sometimes my mother would cry, missing her baby or my grandparents, but I knew they weren't tears of fear or lack of understanding, but just for being sad and missing them. I felt sorry for her, but I didn't feel afraid because she knew, which caused me to know that we would see each other again. Even the Savior wept when he was sad. Children understand these emotions, sadness, etc. If we tell them what we're feeling, they know and don't have to worry. It's the unknown that causes the most fear. When my Dad died, I never once questioned where he was. I know that he is serving a mission and teaching the gospel and busy building the kingdom from beyond the veil. Someone has to and the priesthood is active there too. I really believe that we don't lose our concern and love for our family, but that we continue to watch over them in an active way. I have had too many witnesses to believe otherwise. My mother spoke in simple terms, with great hope and love, never doubting that we would be together again. It was something I have looked forward to my whole life. If she didn't know the answer she simply said, I don't know. Kristen, you live by the spirit, and so the things you say will always be the right things. I know that from your lips to your children's ears, the spirit will give guidance and understanding to their believing hearts. I believed that if my mother said this is Heavenly Father's will and we will trust in him, I had better trust in him because she was the one person I trusted the most. I do Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and know that you do too. You have all of us to lean on and knowing the wonderful man, father and husband that Josh is, whatever the outcome, the Lord is in it. I hope you find comfort in knowing that we want to do everrything and anything we can to help you bear this great burden. I love you!
Hello,
I'm a friend of a friend. I found a couple articles that may help you respond to your children questions :
http://www.uihealthcare.com/topics/medicaldepartments/cancercenter/talkingwithchildren/index.html
http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html
All I know is that your children are smart and they need truthful answers, just don't hide anything to them.
Tell them that you don't know if their dad is dying or not, but he might. Now eveything is in the hands of Heavenly Father.
I'm so sorry for your trial. I will continue to pray for your family.
Kristen, I just want to express my confidence in you. I know that you are a "woman who knows." I know that you are someone who will listen to the Spirit. When the time comes tonight to teach those sweet little ones, the Lord will bless the desires of your heart and you and Josh will know just what to say in the way the boys need to hear it.
Our family prays for yours daily. I really feel so helpless, but we do want you to know that you are in our hearts and prayers...really and truly. Lots of love,
Jessica Wyeth
Oh,dearest Kristen, I wish I had some amazing answers for you, but all I have is one simple little experience from Fredicksburg, VA. I became accquainted (while at home between mission and college) with a very special woman. Not many years before I met her, while her husband was serving as the Bishop of our ward, he had been killed unexpectedly in some kind of work related accident (I think he was a police officer.) I happened to be in her home with her and some other young single adults one evening, along with some of her children. She was getting ready to send some of her youngest (still in middle and high school) children to bed, and she was having family scripture study. Then, before they prayed, she had everyone in the room (including me with some of the other YSAs) share something we were grateful for from that day. She then wrote each person's contribution into a "gratitude journal." She never said if she was doing this as a result of losing her husband...but I came away from that night really touched by the optimism and gratitude that I felt from her and her family. I can't begin to understand what you or your beautiful children and amazing husband must be feeling. And explaining to your boys what is going on, is important. The Lord will guide you through every step of this journey. Love you!
Kristen,
The best thing you can do is be honest with your boys and tell them that you do not know what is going to happen. Also, I bought several books to help my son and some of them were junk. Here are two of my favorites:
"Lifetimes" by Bryan Mellonie. This explains that everything has a lifetime. It was good for my son's age group.
"Guiding your child through grief" by James Emswiler. This will help you answer tough questions and help them with their feelings, even now they aren't grieving, but they are not sure what they are feeling. I think it will help immensely.
I double checked and they can both be bought used on Amazon for fairly cheap.
Good luck. I am sure it is difficult to answer questions that you just don't know the answer to. You are in our continued prayers.
My thoughts are with yours. What a wonderful message you shared. You are so blessed to have that knowledge and faith. I know your boys will come to understand by your example of faith.
Hi I do not know how without the strength and grace of God you can do what you have to do each day. I know that God will give you the words to say and comfort you as you say them God Bless
Never having been in your situation the only thing I can say is to keep praying and follow the Spirit (which I know you are.). Good luck and I am praying for you too. You really are an amazing person.
You are such an inspiration. I can't imagine going through this and trying to help your children make sense of it. I can only imagine that you yourself are still trying to make sense of it. We just found out that our baby has a hearing loss that will require the use of hearing aids for the rest of her life (I'm not comparing this to your husbands cancer by any means) but I do understand wanting to protect your children from 'life' sometimes. I wish I could wear her hearing aids for her so she wouldn't have to deal with it. But Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. Yours is a very special plan, one that only chosen few are strong enough to go through. I admire your confidence and faith in Heavenly Father. That in itself is such a great lesson to your family. I'll keep your family in my prayers.
Kristen, I came across your blog by way of Krista's "What's on My Mind" blog. My dad was diagnosed with a GBM in May of this year and we are getting to the point where medical bills and my mom's layoff from her job of 10 years are becoming a great stress-er to all of us. I noticed that you have multiple links for donations and have agreements with certain companies for percent donations. I was wondering if you would have the time to message my mom or me to discuss how you were able to set these up. Our family can only live off of savings for so long, and the longer my dad is out of work, the smaller the paychecks get.
I am now a true believer of the goodness of people and the toughness of living with cancer in the family. Anything that I can do to help my mom makes me feel like I am doing something with a purpose and that I can help relieve some of the stress that lingers over her daily.
I will keep your family in my prayers and keep positive thoughts in mind for all of those out there in the same situation. I know that anything that families like ours can share between each other helps put everyone's mind at ease and gives us an opportunity to see how others handle the challenges that come with cancer.
My email address is; lexi.scarber@gmail.com and I can be reached at anytime. My mom's email is barrywilliamson@clear.net and her name is Kari (email is under my dad's name for family contacts).
I would appreciate your advice with fund raising more than you can imagine. I would love more than anything to have my mom at ease and be able to enjoy this time with my dad because the unknown is always around the corner.
Thank you again, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Most positive thoughts,
Lexi Scarber
Hi, very interesting post, greetings from Greece!
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